Suppose I were to give my all,
Only to find a bad reward:
This fear controls, consumes, APPALLS:
How can I trust a distant Lord
All-powerful, but far away
To urgent needs I have today?
My heart wants more, but little knows
Your plans for me, who feel alone.
How dare I trust THE ONE WHO KNOWS
Enough with this sad heart of stone?
Arise, Lord, do not stay away:
Relieve these fears I have today!
These wounds are deep, while faith is small —
THE PROMISE seems to others giv’n.
Repeating sorrows on me fall,
Uprooting faith and hope in Heav’n.
Sustain me! Do not stay away:
This heart needs Jesus’ help today!
Surprise me now with Your good plans,
Your plans that others say are good;
Outstrip me of hard life’s demands;
Uplift me better than I could!
Release these bonds. DON’T STAY AWAY!
Savior, please hold me close today!
September 7, 2015
The sermon yesterday dealt with how we really do (or, as is often the case, don’t) trust God. This is something I struggle with. I want to do so much better than I do, but problems and fears sometimes look bigger than God’s ability to handle them. Or more specifically, to handle them in a way that makes me feel comfortable with the outcome. In the Bible, God promises His children Heaven, when we get to Heaven, but problems while we live on earth. I guess I often expect more Heaven on earth than problems. Probably not a realistic expectation.
This is kind of a sad day for me: It was my first mom’s birthday. She died of cancer when my first daughter was a newborn. But, until just days before she died, my parents seemed not to know how close the end really was. My mom had been on a scary roller coaster of getting better, getting worse, losing hope, giving up, then trying a new treatment, and getting better again for a while. We had all been on the coaster for so long that in this new low place, we just thought it was just temporary, until things improved again. My dad called me early in the week, telling me that though Mother had felt too weak to go out for a big birthday celebration, they had managed to go to one of her favorite fast food places for a meal. And did my husband and I think that we might be able to host the two of them for Christmas at our house that year? Two days later, my mom was confined to bed, and a week later, she died. Although I now have a beautiful, very kind and lovely second mom, every time my first mom’s birthday (and other occasions: death day, burial day, wedding anniversary, Mother’s Day — which I neglected regularly because we never got along for long), I feel my spirit falling, and the mourning I thought I was moving beyond comes rushing back just as fresh and new as the day she died. Sometimes, all it takes is a flower, or a song, or even a familiar expression on the face of a stranger in the marketplace.
Now you know how you can pray for me. How can I pray for you?
Praying to know Gods’ love better myself,
And praying for you to know and embrace God’s love for yourself,