I’m full of faith and full of fear
That NONE – or ALL—will see my tears:
That NONE will see or be aware –
Or ALL will see, but NONE will care,
But either way, I taste despair:
If NONE or ALL now see my tears,
I feast on deadly faith and fears.
December 15, 2013
We all have faith in something. But not all faith leads to life.
I am again swirling in a devastating morass of holiday depression. For years I had thought that it was just the schedule, or difficulties finishing all my lists, or perhaps just not being remembered the way I would have liked to have been by those who bothered to get me a gift. Perhaps some of these played a role here. But I think I am starting to understand that some of this yearly sorrow is just grief over lost childhood, and over losing my mom when I was 23. By the time I realized all she did for me, it was too late to show appreciation for her. I especially feel this at Christmas time. To be fair, I have a lovely second mother. And to be totally honest, we get along far better than my original mom and I ever did (though I have to believe my first mom really did try hard). I love my second mom, and she treats me wonderfully. I treat her ok, too, I think. I love doing nice things for her. But I often wish I could have done some of those nice things for my first mom. My friend, “Steffie” said, “You just can’t be happy!” when I told her about my discontent. She is probably right. I have given myself to a sorrow that cannot be resolved this side of heaven. Sigh.
Nevertheless, I pray you are having your own joyful Christmas.